My employer is so sexist. They work against me as much as they can. They hid their efforts to keep from hiring another qualified woman by making shit up in front of their bosses. I want to tell you but you don’t want me around. I’m exhausted and sad. I need you.
You’re the only one who knows everything about me, and I love you so much. Please don’t go. Please let’s stay in each others’ lives. I need you. You’re an angel.
Why can’t people be direct? I wasted this time I could have spent with people who care about me oversharing to a closet case. I totally imposed myself on him, and he only wants other gay men in his life. He would never say that, so here I am, months later, feeling like an idiot. I really never spent time with someone so closeted. I had no idea what to expect.
The universe was toying with me again. I am terrified of dying alone.
That I was in my childhood home, and it was dank and messy. My mother was dying and relatives told me to come. I came and saw her in her death throes, finally, and she died. I felt her clingy presence. I stifled a sob.
I am the oldest. It was up to me to clean up the property and sell it. I was also sad she died, but I feel at my age my life is over, too, and it hasn’t begun. I met with my aunt (mother’s sister) and asked if she thought I should get rid of all the stuff first, knowing that was the right thing to do. Then she said yes, and comforted me. She knows how hard my relationship was with my mother.
Everything was dark and messy. There was stuff everywhere.
Then, I realized I should live, or try to. I figured I had 20 or 30 years of looking reasonably young, and I could live out a decent fake youth in that time. I also realized somewhere my fantasy was happening: that mom was being shown what it was like to be her daughter (scary, crushing, distorting).
I felt free. I made amends with my “evil” sister, the one who disowned us (associating all of us with mother’s behavior). She appeared in the dream as she did once in life, as a girl in a horseback riding outfit.
Then, I left the home and the place and started walking. First, I was in an abandoned “clown village.” It was sunnier, but with dirt roads, like a desert. The buildings were in disrepair, and a few clowns were walking around, going about their business. They looked mean, like clown cowboys. I remembered somebody told me I should stay away from the clown village, that you could get hurt, so I went into the nearest building that didn’t look like it was part of the clown village.
It was even brighter in there. It was an overpriced, urban grocery store. The people there were happy, tall and thin and some were in couples. They were all friends, or at least friendly. I was somehow in a towel and felt suddenly underdressed, so I left quickly, passing the “singles produce,” produce that looked like regular produce but was in a smaller, fancy refrigerated display case. I turned past the registers and out the automatic doors.
I found my self in a brilliantly sunny street lined with shops. I realized I could have the childhood-young-adulthood I always wanted. I was still wearing the towel, so I started to look for something to wear as I was walking the street. I found so many shops with beautiful dresses in their windows. They were long gowns of different types for each shop. I realized I could wear these gowns, and I could life with these happy people.
I was so filled with joy at the possibilities I had, I started running down the street, in the bright sun and I felt free.
If I follow critical thought, I determine what the universe is by what the universe tells me through facts. I do not allow myth, bullshit, what seems nice, or my pet idea to substitute for what the universe really is. If i am not a scientific thinker and I have decided what the universe is based on anything other than science, I am arrogant. I am deciding the universe can be whatever I want it to be, despite my complete lack of importance in the universe.
That means that if I decide the universe is 6000 years old despite science, I am arrogant. If I decide I am not affecting the climate with my contribution to pollution despite the mountain of evidence that I am, I am arrogant. There are so many stupid ideas around that only amount to arrogance.
A truly humble person lets the universe tell it what is happening.
So, you just figured out government is corrupt, or megacorporations are manipulating the economy. Otherwise, you just got on the TeaTard bandwagon and imagine a bunch of conspiracies. You could be delusional in any of a number of ways. No matter what, people aren’t all going to decide that your paradigm is the fucking way, and that whatever you are shitting your pants about is something we all need to get together to fix. They won’t. People aren’t sheeple, and they aren’t asleep, and if/when they wake up, they won’t immediately form the exact same idea that popped into your head. Moreover, whatever idea forms there will be just as much a mix of rubbish, emotion, indigestion, facts and media as your sad little idea. Go to sleep, asshole.
When I lived in England, my parents were getting a divorce here in the U.S. and I needed money. I was on a student visa, not able to legally get a job there, so I had to sell double-paned windows on the phone. They call them “double glazing,” and apparently this job is one of the worst you can get. I learned something about England while calling their English homes unasked: English people are bursting with vile hatred. It pulses in their veins. They are miserable, and somehow cherish and nurture misery, so that if some unfortunate person happens in their path, they will unload all their hate and judgement in a tirade of condescension. This is what happened in the predominant number of phone calls I made. If you are a telemarketer here and you think people are rude when you call, just be glad you don’t live there. It opened my eyes to the hidden nature of the English, and it made clear to me the underlying motivation for all their actions. They are miserable. They value suffering and enjoy making others suffer.
Ideas to flesh out:
- Animal testing is “extreme science,” unwarranted dismissal of basic compassion
- Compassion is more important than science, particularly in our modern, very populated world. Compassion and science usually don’t conflict and don’t need to conflict.
- Observation and critical thought can replace most animal cruelty in science.
- We have to be patient, to think rationally and clearly and to allow ourselves to not know something we feel we need to learn by tormenting animals until another thinker discovers what we want to know without animal testing.